Thoughts Of A Stoner

That feeling, intense, that blood rush.

That flow of Joy and Relief.

More so, that stream that flows down your torso.

Electrifying every nerve, thinking, "it's all I deserve".

Our hearts are lifted, our minds rejoice,

Ecstasy, as we listen to that sweet voice.

Love is finally here, we found it!

Blessing every moment that surrounds it.

We grin in silence, but inside we're restless.

Goodbye to the sad memories as we advance.

Bliss, a word not able to explain.

This feeling iTry to restrain.

Thoughts screaming, my eyes glare with tears,

The struggles we've faced, no onger to bear.

"It's all over", the words we ever long to hear...

..................

..................

..................

That feeling, intense, that blood rush.
That flow of pain and anguish.
Emptiness in a heart which once rejoiced.
Dismay in a mindset no longer whole.
These feelings we wished never to uphold.
Memories become scars and scars bring memories,
Of days we've felt happiness was but deluded.
Thoughts screaming, my eyes glare with tears.
The struggles we're facing, left alone to bear.
"It's all over", those haunting words we never longed to hear.

-HammarH

Feliz Año Nuevo

2012. New year. New resoluions.

It's funny, iDon't remember any of my resolutions from last year x_x.

It's a little past 1a.m and iAm out, strolling around my street with Tee. iCould use a fag right now. iThink iMight be addicted. Jade says it's not good for me. iGuess it's one of the things iAm gonna have to get rid of this year.

Sweet.

iHave noticed a few changes in me. Not good ones. iHave become speech impaired. iCan barely say a sentence wthout stammering. iShould probably work on that too.
What freaks me out the most is my creativity. It has stooped to a new low. iWent through my blog and noticed even my speech pattern has changed. iWish there was some self reset-button for this. iJust want my brain back.

Movng on.

Chrimbo hols was wild... More than usual. Sorry iHave no proof of my wildness. iMade a declaration during summer that iWasn't gonna blog about my escapades :).

My blogging situation has changed. iCannot be as straight forward as iUsed to be... Sorry. But due to my escapades, my *cough* is on overdrive. And it cannot be tamed.

iAdmit, iDid some silly shit last year. And somehow iAm not sorry about them.

iDont need to give reasons for the things iDo. iDo them cause iCan... And sometimes the thing that seems messed up to everyone else is what's right for me.

Speaking of messed up things, iCoulda sworn iSaw "him" at U3. No shit. iStalked the poor fellow for over an hour before iRealised it wasn't him... Tee even helped me out. And you know what? iWas kinda relieved. As much as iThink iWanna see him again... iReally just wanna get over him.

AnyHOO

To end this post, iLive you with a parting gift;

If you had to choose between the one you trusted with your heart but broke it, and the one that doesn't love you back but wouldn't dare hurt you... Who would you choose?

This is Kay saying, Buenas noches. And a Próspero Año Nuevo.

*Caramel Kisses*



Not So Happy 18th!!

What starts with 8 and rhymes with hating? Anyone?? *rme.

Fine, iWould just come out with it. Eighteen! Yep, iAm finally legal. Yay!!!

Okay in truth, iAm not that excited about it. In fact, iAm not even slightly psyched about it. Doesn’t necessarily make me abnormal. Right?

*Sigh*

Today is so gonna be horrid. iCan feel it deep in my very bones.

iKnow that sounds kinda crazy. There’s no reason for me to be this way and every reason for me to be happy, but… But alas, here iAm at 2:30 in the morning, awake and sad.

iHave got  a lot of mixed up emotions right now. iJust wanna cry and get it all out. But who cries on their birthday?
iLay in bed   thinking, and pretty soon iWould run out of things to think about. iCannot understand where all these has come from. Lets just say, iAm all kinds of fucked up at the moment.

It’s funny how iDon’t feel any different from how iWas yesterday. iMean, isn’t there supposed to be a magical whoosh to zap me into adulthood. Who made 18 so special anyways?!?!

So in my feeble attempt to break out… iHave decided to make this post.

Yay!

It’s a new age. iThink iMight have to change my ways. This means new thoughts, new ideas, new everything. Sadly iHavent got any ideas. Or do I ?

There’s a lot of stuff iWish iCould do. The things iDo normally just aren’t sufficient. iNeed more excitement in my life. iGet so pissed when iAm bored… It doesn’t make sense, so much good stuff happening in the world, why am iNot involved?!

Do you know what woulda made my “18th” [notice the quote] birthday special??

If iSpent it with my friends. Or maybe even someone from the testicle specie. Any dude would be great. Throw me a stud if you will. And yes, it is that deep.

Anyways…iAm not saying iDon’t have great friends here [don’t get me wrong]… but iWould rather spend it with people iHave known for years… Like people who know me inside out. You can’t possibly fathom how hard it is for me to tune down my awesomeness or sensor myself every time iOpen my mouth to speak. They’re cramping my style yo!

So in all fairness… iHave composed a list of things iCould be doing if iWere at home.

99 And 1 Things iCould Be Doing If iWere At Home.

*Staying up late talking to a bunch of people that Genuinely LOVEE me.

*Getting drunk in my underwear with a fag in my mouth [very high possibility]

*Refreshing my facebook wall every 5 mins to see how many birthday wishes iGet. Don’t be fooled; we are not friends.

*Chilling someplace with my friends, having fun and getting as inebriated as humanly possible.

*Prolly even setting p *giggle*

iCould do ith a P right now. Kay's lonely :(. iHaven't spoken to this fellow that iAm comepletely and totally infatuated with in over a month. And, of course, he doesn't give a damn.

But alas, iAm stuck in this hell-hole with these attention-seeking psychopaths.

Oh GOD. Oh GOOOOD. iCannot stand them. They try too Fxcking hard! iMean, it's just too much. iCan't with them. iJust. Cannot.

Sometimes iAM literally speechless at the idiocy of these people.

There’s nothing more pathetic than seeing a guy, who’s probably been complimented about his Good Looks just Once! Trying to play Chuck Bass on every living cunt in a skirt.

iHave got several of these in my school. They think they’re awesome mini-gods or something. iHave got a bit of advice for them. Get laid.

And then one of these stupid dickheads tried to get it with me ? Um. Fuck you.

There’s no cuss word that can rightly describe how much these fools disgust me.

Crap. What was iTalking about again? Oh yeah.

The only good part about this whole gut-wrenching-heart-shattering-mind-fucking-thing is the fact that iCan do stuff iUsed to do… Only legally now

Happy 18th birthday to me. So let it be knowst to all… I, Kay Tannah, being of sound body and mind, hereby promise to fake a smile all day and have as much fun as iCan. Wish me luck

P.s iAm in school

*Caramel Kisses*

Beautiful Lies

Readers of this blog.

iHave been… occupied. iAm sorry iHaven’t blogged. Y’all must’ve been frantic. *giggle* *curtsey*

So how have you been? Cause iHave been bloody horrible.

iSaid iWasn’t gonna rant about my emotional nonsense here again. But iWant to express myself. No. iNeed to express myself. You can’t imagine how gut-wrenching it is to keep deep emotions to myself.

But you love it when iSpill, don’t you? ;)

AnyHOO

iHave a question for you. When you meet someone and the person is so cool. Like frigid. And you guys talk 24/7 nonstop. Then one day, he says he likes you. And then, the most mind-numbling-fuckup-y of all; he’s in a relationship. You’re immediately on red alert right?

Let me get straight to the point.

This summer iFell in love again. Not willingly, but it happened… And as usual,  iGot my heart broken.

Thing is, he was already taken. Even though the relationship clearly sucked. iPlayed the good friend, and he ended up falling for my awesomeness. iKid, iKid.

iKnow iShouldn’t be doing these things but trust me, iFought hard against it. We all fuck up sometimes… The heart does what the heart wants.

The thing that annoyed me the most were the promises. What was the point of making all those promises? Knowing they were all meaningless fantasies. iWarned you but you wouldn’t listen. iWas just too gullible to believe it myself.

Distance is such a fucking bitch.

iKnew iHad lost you even before it happened. iJust didn’t think you’d go back to her. Anyone but her.

And now you have left me bloody and sore. Well, Fxck iLook like? iCan handle some pain but I’m not Superman.

The only thing that made it easier was your apology. No one’s ever apologized for breaking me. Then iHeard what you said and got mad again.

Now I’m lying down thinking of you with a few questions on my mind.

Was it easy leaving me? Like iWas nothing? Like we were nothing?

Are you happier with her?

Do you still think about me?

iKnow it shouldn't bother me, but it does. iShouldn't care, but iDo. iShould hate you, but iDon't.

iThought we had something real, iThought we had something. iDont know why iFooled myself.

Everything reminds me of you now. Oh my gosh. There’s this guy iKeep staring at cause he smiles just like you. And your scent... Lawd! iRemember it so well.

Well enough of this, iCannot allow myself think of you anymore. iAm gonna remember us like we were just casual. Nothing deep.

And  when people ask me what happened, I’m gonna lie until it becomes the truth. I’m gonna say we were just friends until iBelieve it myself.

iKnow this makes me a pussy. You’re probably thinking, “Man up Kay! Use your testicles!”… Or maybe you weren’t thinking that  x_x

But whatever. iCan’t be arsed *Kanye shrug*.

*Caramel Kisses*

The P-Madness

Dear Earthlings,


Its been much too long. And iSincerely apologize  for the length of my absense. Am afraid it has nothing to do with my busy state. iJust cannot blog anymore. It's safe to say iHave lost my blogging mojo.  If it makes you any feel better, my life has been uneventful thus far.


This shall be a short post. Nothing poetic. Like iSaid before, iCannot blog anymore. But due to demands by my little, yet noble followers, iShall post something.

Alrighty then *rubs palms*... Moving on to important topics.

The countdown has begun. Summer's almost here! Woohoo!! I'm tingling with excitement already. So what are your plans for this summer? Apparently everyone's extremely looking forward to this summer [emphasis on 'extremely']. People are even setting P's. To show how serious that is, there's even a blog taking a four week seminar on how to set your summer P... Its called SPS101 [Summer "P" Setting] lol. And yes, it is that deep.

In totality, everyone's expecting this summer to be epic. Oh what fun we shall have.

Strangely iHavn’t set mine yet… Maybe it’s cause I’m too busy trying to sort things out …Or cause I’m blindly waiting for a miracle to happen… #shrug.


Point is, thy legs and chests must be exposed! Sadly iHave nothing to show off :(  ...I am by no means perfect.
And iHave never claimed perfection. Life is not like the movies *sigh*But that would change one day, iAssure you.


The best part about this summer is... Drum roll please... PARTYING! Party Harday! iGet to party alot. without anyone getting on my case. And everyone's coming back home. Alotta hotties btw. Ohh iCould just imagine.

But for now, iHave got to concerntrate on my stupid exams *sigh*

On the bright side, iMade a new friend. No, not an imaginary one… A real one that has all the physical attributes. Do people still have imaginary friends?? iThought Facebook and Twitter had taken care of that. Oh! Ohh! Just remember a little girl I knew that… #Sigh Never mind.


*Btw, summer 'P' is just a slang for summer fling :)
Buenas noches people
*Caramel_kisses*

When Life Fucks You From Behind

Sometimes life gets pretty hard, we all complain;

But most of us don't know the true meaning of pain.

Some don't know what it feels to lose a friend;

A loved one is lost for everyone you gain.

We don’t know what hustle is till we’ve been there

Has life ever gotten so helpless it’s had to bear?

But you just hold on because you’re in fear.

Fear to lose what you love, what you have, what you suffer for;

Family, cause they were with you, even when you were poor.

Well here’s a story of true dedication:

Faith she’s called, Somalia was her nation

Three kids to feed, but no support.

Her husband did a good deed, and got caught

He was imprisoned for no legit reason.

He saved a young boy from a rebel attack

Pretty smooth yeah? But here comes the crack.

He was caught up with, in the heat of the sun

The rebels took no mercy, he watched the boy burn.

Then he was jailed with wounds on his body, deep in.

5 days he was pail, he died sleepless, thinking

Praying for his wife and children.

Almost ran crazy thinking rebels might have killed them.

No, they were safe, his prayers might have worked.

Or did they? The devil waited till the right time clocked.

Faith was taken to a refugee holding.

Life was better, food was scarce, but now they could sleep safe.

Until Faith got raped, what a cold thing.

To make matters worse, she got raped by her first son.

His baby brother made it his duty to take his bro to the grave.

Grieving and screaming, Faith needed help and she kept seeking.

It never came, her son bled to death with no aid from no one.

Now faith was left with 2 children, teenage years

She knew they were grown, she kept living in fear.

To her dismay her daughter slept with a general for their freedom.

They got it but karma struck.

He killed her knowing she’d leave him.

Faith was left with only 1 child, the brother killer

Déjà vu happened when he also tried to feel her

He stopped and looked at her and cried

He promised her a better life before she died

Faith was strong, she forgave her son.

After all she had been through; she didn’t want to lose another loved one.

He had his break, young gifted inventor

Billionaire bill gates had always been his mentor.

And as he promised, he gave his mother a better life,

Moved to the states and got a decent wife.

Faith was comfortable but still reminiscing;

All family members gone and friends still missing.

She kept strong saying she was gonna take life easy.

Too bad Faith, life isn’t always that breezy.

She had to learn in a bad manner.

Her sons’ plane crashed; there was no way to calm her.

Faith started taking drugs, she almost went mental.

But life is never free nor fair; our every breath is rental.

Faith couldn’t take it anymore, she was going crazy.

First her husband, her first son, her daughter and now her baby.

She thought for a while and made her decision.

Suicide became Faiths number one mission.

Thrust a blade through her heart, she bled to death.

She only uttered “why” with her final breath.

Sad story, Faith took her own life.

And there’s more to the story,

Her baby boy survived...

- HammarH

Hermoso Desastre...

NOTE.

If you're in any way familiar with me; once you're done reading it, please do not confront me about it. Or ask me for the full story. Cause iWould not hesitate to ignore you completely. And if you mock me, iFear iMight just lose it. 

This is something iWrote just for myself. It's something i'm extremely conscious about posting. It's a letter to my ex. iHad to think about it seriously. To post or not to post? “It’s a bit too emotional; it’ll make me seem like the weaker man.”

It’s about old unspoken truths. Something I've got to get out of my chest. Memories iWant to let go of. But some memories just stay no matter what.   

To that somebody:                                     

Remember all those things we wanted,

Now all our memories they’re haunted,

We were never meant to say goodbye.

                                – Kelly Clarkson (and a few twists)

We both liked each other deeply. [Unless you were pretending in which case you would be a complete douche!] You knew it, iKnew it, so what was the problem ? iTried to make it easier, but you kept fighting back like we were at war. 

With you iWas different. It’s like iWas someone else. A split personality? iCould always tug the treads connecting you to my fantasies. Actually, scratch that. You made my fantasies seem like cheap imaginations. It felt so surreal.

When it started, something in me changed completely, never to be reversed. iFound myself somewhere iNever thought i'd be. 

You were supposed to be perfect for me. But then you changed. And till now iHave no idea what went wrong.

You were the one thing iNever regretted. I’m the kinda person that would do something and feel guilty about it later. But with you it was never like that.

iKnew you were leaving. Our time was limited. iLived by my motto, “It’s better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all”. You hurt me badly but iDidn’t care. iAlways faked a smile and dealt with the side effects.

You knew you were hurting me and yet you’d give me a sad smile and keep hurting me. It pissed me off to know it also made you sad. So why did you keep doing it?

There iWas, ready for you. But you just kept pushing me away.

Then you gave me the lamest excuse ever, “You don’t want to fall too hard for me cause you’re afraid to lose me” So I’d smile and pretend like iBelieved you .

Truth is iWanted to, badly. But iJust couldn’t, no matter how hard iTried. iMean, FXCK iLOOK LIKE ?!

 iCraved to feel something for you. Love, Hate… A sick addiction. My own crazy infatuation.

It was quite sad actually but iCouldn’t help it… iWas obsessed, as crazy as it seems.

There are things iStill remember about you.  Things iCan’t seem to forget, like a virus hacked into my brain.

iWish there was a delete button in my mind so iCould get rid of the memories of you.

iCraved for one last time. But alas! You left without even saying goodbye. And yet you claimed iWas special. Your disappearance broke my heart. But it’s something I’ve learned to live with.

Now I’m stuck with “what if’s” and “if only”

If iHad one chance to do it all again, would I? Probably. What would iChange? Absolutely nothing. Would we make the same mistakes? iCouldn’t be bothered.

It’s crazy, it’s absurd, its madness, it foolishness, it’s even scary and yet deeply right. What other word is there?

iCould say iHate you, but them iWould be lying to myself. It was just another bad romance.

But still iWould never admit the worst. Not even to myself.

Al Final

*Well enough of this. Just because iMade a reference to 'doing it all over again' as though iStill have feelings for him, doesnt mean iActually do.  Those feelings are long gone. iMean looooong gone. Doesn't mean iDont remember how it felt. 

*Caramel_Kisses*

Pink - Perfect (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover)

 iJust saw this on someone's blog and iKnew iHad to have it. 

Omg! When iHeard this iWas like, Wow! And iDon't even know who he is.

 But his voice just gets me. Somehow iPrefer his version to pinks original one just cause of his voice... Its simple perfect.

AnyHOO

...Enjoy!

 

No Deseado :(

Dear Readers,

iHave tried and tried not to bore you with my sad heart affairs, but i'm afraid this is an emergency. You see, i've been feeling some heart burns lately called jealousy. How come you ask? Well it’s all thanks to Hendrixx.

Yeah... iKnow I’m supposed to be over him. But iDidn't even like him before, so what went wrong? The part that shocked me the most is the jealousy part. Cause iHardly get jealous. ..Or maybe it’s just envy. Either way it infuriates me.

So I’ve been obsessing over him and Kay’s not cool with that. Whats happened to me?

Lately my mind has gone hay-wire. I've been thinking of the possibilities. iMean iEven imagine a lot of erotic things going down between us. And I’m really imaginative so you can imagine how erotic they are.

If only I’d just say yes and get it over with. Well, FXCK ILOOK LIKE? My libido might be on the loose presently but I’m not that stupid.

iWish iCould write a poem about how iFeel. Sadly, I’m not even sure how iFeel. Okay, the truth is iUnbelievably suck at rhyming XD

So my question is, "Is it possible that iLike this young fellow? Is it okay for me to say iLike him now?"

But alas. even if the answer was yes, iMusn't let him know he makes me feel this way. For if he does he'll be at an advantage.

It's not that I give a damn what he thinks. For if he knows, it doesn’t change a thing. It hardly matters, at this point, for he doesn't give a damn. ):

Okay, iCan't really say he doesn't care since he doesn't know about how iFeel. But then again he's a neglecter and a bloody assHole. You won't believe the effontry iEndure everytime.

How did iFall for him anyways? Why do iAlways fall for the gorgeous assHoles? How is it possible that just seeing his face could cause my heart to skip a beat? And reading his messages causes my libido to do the Rumba?

If he asks me, I’d tell him the truth; just cause iMade a stupid promise. However, if he doesn’t, well too bad, cause there isn’t a chance iHave to spare.

This is one of the reasons why iHate being a girl. We are such sad creatures when we really like someone and the feeling isn’t mutual.

iThink iMight have to change my ways. No more liking boys just for fun.

AnyHOO

This just complicates things for me. Cause I’m pretty sure Mss Tee still likes him even if she claims she’s giving up. Don’t ask me how iKnow… iJust know.

And then there’s the fact that he’s never gonna like me back. Sigh. Let’s just say my life pretty much sucks at the moment.

My first decision was to go M.I.A for about a week. But then iThought, "Hey, wait a minute... iLike him not love him. Pfff" Love…  Bleh! How bothersome. Been there... Not quite ready for another round.

So now my decision is to stay away from him till I’m over it. Does that make any sense? iThink it does. Right. I’d probably be over it by Friday, then I’d be happy again :D.

So Dear Hendrixx… I’m sorry if you miss me. And iDo hope you miss me. Yeah right *rme*.  This is Kay saying goodbye till whenever.

Ah yes!

A sad ending and a possible new beginning …Or else I’m Doomed!

*Caramel kisses*

A Series Of Unfortunate Events

So iWasted the whole of today. 

How you ask me

Well you know yours truly is currently working on a book with Ms Tee. So iSpent the whole day working on a picture of how she should look.

But alas, iForgot shes supposed to have long curly hair. How smart is that. Like how could iHave forgotten that. iMade the freaking character. *Slapping face*. I'm gonna have to draw another picture. So now i'm pissed. 

iThink this ones really good though. And if you dont like it, you can just SUCK MY COCK! Cause iHad to freaking paint it twice. Its not my fault you have no talent... But dont feel bad about it ...a lot of people have no talent.

iMean do you know how annoying that was?  And iDidn't use any picture application. iUsed the normal fxcking paint on my laptop !

Just so you'd know how hard iWorked on it... iDid a collage on both pictures.

*Forgive my mood. I'm just pissed that iCant use it.

AnyHOO

Today really shouldn't be about me. Today should be dedicated to the people of Japan. 

Been watching the news and iSaw the whole earthquake and Tsunami that happened in Japan. Its funny how lately whenever iMistakenly switch to the news channel, its the most popular ones iCatch on. Coincidence? iThink not. Wow Kay, you're growing :)

 Anyways this disaster happens to be biggest one in their history. The 7th or 6th biggest in the history of the world. An 8.9 magnitude Easrthquake... I'm not even sure how big that is but iHear its really HUGE.

And this got me thinking.

Nigeria's really blessed... Like for real. So yeah, the economies bad. But thats nothing compared to countries facing natural disasters. We hardly have any, and the only one i've heard of is a Flood.

AnyHOO

All Kay is saying is... Pray for Japan... Seriously. I've said my prayers. Do yours.