#Royalty

My first painting for VK3K :P x_x

Unforgivable.

Hello fellow Earthlings. How ya been? iKnow its been a while since iBlogged, and iAm not really sorry about it. *giggle*

Alrighty then *rubs palms*   

It took a lot of courage for me to start this blog. To expose myself like this. Believe me, its not something iDo regularly.

iStarted from random ramblings, to actually saying how iFeel. You could call it breaking out... And its taking me a lot more to keep alotta shit to myself. 

A lot has happened in this last few months. iLost the one good thing iHad going on for something that barely even started. Reality hit me like an angry pimp.

The highlight was my second bestie (Dammy) coming for summer. And she brought alotta lowlight with her. Not funny? Alright *pshh *rme.

AnyHOO

iCan't say this was my best summer... But it sure as hell was the funniest. iDon't think I've laughed this hard nor had this much drama repeatedly before. Like some serious Nollywood shit (hollywood would be pushing it.) You wouldn't believe how much shit people would say just to... Nevermind.

Moving on.

iAm not sad, iAm not depressed, iAm not excited and iAm definitely not the happiest person in the world. I'm just there, iLive for the moment, whatever happens, happens. iHave learnt to stop putting so much hope in people, maybe cause iHave been let down too many times, its become normal.

What does it mean to give someone a chance, knowing fully well that they were gonna disappoint you?

To let them hurt you over and over, and forgiving them nonetheless.

They apologise for hurting you and just when you think its all over... boom! ...there goes gravity.

You can't get mad at them cause well, no one deserves to have you stressing like that. 

The saddest part is when you realize how alone you actually are. That no one ever texts you first or anything. The only time they call you is when they need you; to fix a fight they had with someone. To ask for money. Or call you over cause they know you'd bring your pretty friends along.

So it gets to the point where you don't want to put in that much effort on people who don't put in any effort for you. You learn to stop giving a fuck about people that act like you're not important to them, like you're just a liability, you don't mean much. Basic survival instincts.

You end up spending your time generally alone. In the end what will be will be. no stress, no worries,

But hey... That's life for you.

*Caramel_Kisses*

Precaution

Let me tell you who iAm. Let's delve into me a little bit.

iHave never been afraid of getting hurt by feelings before. iHave always ignored consequences cause iCraved to feel... To be in love... To be loved.

iHave always known the worst scenarios,and iWas always ready for them... But with you, its a whole different ball game.

The way you stare at me is so unbelievable. Like you could see something special iWasn't seeing.  

And how you can't do without holding me.

The way you light up whenever you see me... It's one of the best things ever.

It's like when you're holding me, iNever want you to let go.

Like cuddling and making out wasn't enough... It's not sex, it's something more, something completely different, something out of the ordinary.

If there's something deeper than sex then that's it.

It's like my mind's yearning for us to be one... For our minds and hearts to form one being. It's a connection iNever knew existed. 

The moment you  touch me, just a gentle touch, doesn't have to be sexual... iAlways get this ache in my chest.

At first iThought iImagined it, but it was there alright. And then iThought it was a medical condition, but it kept happening. Everytime you touched a part a part of me.

It's nothing iHave ever felt or heard of before.

iAm not trying to be poetic or some romantic shit like that... This is real. And iDon't think you realise just how real this is for me.

For the first time in my life, iAm actually afraid to feel. Afraid to think of what might become.

My mind won't let me discover how much iReally feel about you.

iAm unprepared for this.

You might have to power to actually break and shatter me for good.

And for the first time... iAm afraid to risk it.

iFound this (whatever it is) on my phone and decided to post it afterall. It's funny how this came back to bite me in the ass. Boy am iGlad iDidn't risk it. I'm not saying iDidn't feel anything, but  iWas holding back alotta emotions mostly. And that is probably the only reason iCan still look at him.

*Caramel Kisses*

Thoughts Of A Stoner

That feeling, intense, that blood rush.

That flow of Joy and Relief.

More so, that stream that flows down your torso.

Electrifying every nerve, thinking, "it's all I deserve".

Our hearts are lifted, our minds rejoice,

Ecstasy, as we listen to that sweet voice.

Love is finally here, we found it!

Blessing every moment that surrounds it.

We grin in silence, but inside we're restless.

Goodbye to the sad memories as we advance.

Bliss, a word not able to explain.

This feeling iTry to restrain.

Thoughts screaming, my eyes glare with tears,

The struggles we've faced, no onger to bear.

"It's all over", the words we ever long to hear...

..................

..................

..................

That feeling, intense, that blood rush.
That flow of pain and anguish.
Emptiness in a heart which once rejoiced.
Dismay in a mindset no longer whole.
These feelings we wished never to uphold.
Memories become scars and scars bring memories,
Of days we've felt happiness was but deluded.
Thoughts screaming, my eyes glare with tears.
The struggles we're facing, left alone to bear.
"It's all over", those haunting words we never longed to hear.

-HammarH

Feliz Año Nuevo

2012. New year. New resoluions.

It's funny, iDon't remember any of my resolutions from last year x_x.

It's a little past 1a.m and iAm out, strolling around my street with Tee. iCould use a fag right now. iThink iMight be addicted. Jade says it's not good for me. iGuess it's one of the things iAm gonna have to get rid of this year.

Sweet.

iHave noticed a few changes in me. Not good ones. iHave become speech impaired. iCan barely say a sentence wthout stammering. iShould probably work on that too.
What freaks me out the most is my creativity. It has stooped to a new low. iWent through my blog and noticed even my speech pattern has changed. iWish there was some self reset-button for this. iJust want my brain back.

Movng on.

Chrimbo hols was wild... More than usual. Sorry iHave no proof of my wildness. iMade a declaration during summer that iWasn't gonna blog about my escapades :).

My blogging situation has changed. iCannot be as straight forward as iUsed to be... Sorry. But due to my escapades, my *cough* is on overdrive. And it cannot be tamed.

iAdmit, iDid some silly shit last year. And somehow iAm not sorry about them.

iDont need to give reasons for the things iDo. iDo them cause iCan... And sometimes the thing that seems messed up to everyone else is what's right for me.

Speaking of messed up things, iCoulda sworn iSaw "him" at U3. No shit. iStalked the poor fellow for over an hour before iRealised it wasn't him... Tee even helped me out. And you know what? iWas kinda relieved. As much as iThink iWanna see him again... iReally just wanna get over him.

AnyHOO

To end this post, iLive you with a parting gift;

If you had to choose between the one you trusted with your heart but broke it, and the one that doesn't love you back but wouldn't dare hurt you... Who would you choose?

This is Kay saying, Buenas noches. And a Próspero Año Nuevo.

*Caramel Kisses*