Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year from DSMU :)

#Royalty

My first painting for VK3K :P x_x

Unforgivable.

Hello fellow Earthlings. How ya been? iKnow its been a while since iBlogged, and iAm not really sorry about it. *giggle*

Alrighty then *rubs palms*   

It took a lot of courage for me to start this blog. To expose myself like this. Believe me, its not something iDo regularly.

iStarted from random ramblings, to actually saying how iFeel. You could call it breaking out... And its taking me a lot more to keep alotta shit to myself. 

A lot has happened in this last few months. iLost the one good thing iHad going on for something that barely even started. Reality hit me like an angry pimp.

The highlight was my second bestie (Dammy) coming for summer. And she brought alotta lowlight with her. Not funny? Alright *pshh *rme.

AnyHOO

iCan't say this was my best summer... But it sure as hell was the funniest. iDon't think I've laughed this hard nor had this much drama repeatedly before. Like some serious Nollywood shit (hollywood would be pushing it.) You wouldn't believe how much shit people would say just to... Nevermind.

Moving on.

iAm not sad, iAm not depressed, iAm not excited and iAm definitely not the happiest person in the world. I'm just there, iLive for the moment, whatever happens, happens. iHave learnt to stop putting so much hope in people, maybe cause iHave been let down too many times, its become normal.

What does it mean to give someone a chance, knowing fully well that they were gonna disappoint you?

To let them hurt you over and over, and forgiving them nonetheless.

They apologise for hurting you and just when you think its all over... boom! ...there goes gravity.

You can't get mad at them cause well, no one deserves to have you stressing like that. 

The saddest part is when you realize how alone you actually are. That no one ever texts you first or anything. The only time they call you is when they need you; to fix a fight they had with someone. To ask for money. Or call you over cause they know you'd bring your pretty friends along.

So it gets to the point where you don't want to put in that much effort on people who don't put in any effort for you. You learn to stop giving a fuck about people that act like you're not important to them, like you're just a liability, you don't mean much. Basic survival instincts.

You end up spending your time generally alone. In the end what will be will be. no stress, no worries,

But hey... That's life for you.

*Caramel_Kisses*

Precaution

Let me tell you who iAm. Let's delve into me a little bit.

iHave never been afraid of getting hurt by feelings before. iHave always ignored consequences cause iCraved to feel... To be in love... To be loved.

iHave always known the worst scenarios,and iWas always ready for them... But with you, its a whole different ball game.

The way you stare at me is so unbelievable. Like you could see something special iWasn't seeing.  

And how you can't do without holding me.

The way you light up whenever you see me... It's one of the best things ever.

It's like when you're holding me, iNever want you to let go.

Like cuddling and making out wasn't enough... It's not sex, it's something more, something completely different, something out of the ordinary.

If there's something deeper than sex then that's it.

It's like my mind's yearning for us to be one... For our minds and hearts to form one being. It's a connection iNever knew existed. 

The moment you  touch me, just a gentle touch, doesn't have to be sexual... iAlways get this ache in my chest.

At first iThought iImagined it, but it was there alright. And then iThought it was a medical condition, but it kept happening. Everytime you touched a part a part of me.

It's nothing iHave ever felt or heard of before.

iAm not trying to be poetic or some romantic shit like that... This is real. And iDon't think you realise just how real this is for me.

For the first time in my life, iAm actually afraid to feel. Afraid to think of what might become.

My mind won't let me discover how much iReally feel about you.

iAm unprepared for this.

You might have to power to actually break and shatter me for good.

And for the first time... iAm afraid to risk it.

iFound this (whatever it is) on my phone and decided to post it afterall. It's funny how this came back to bite me in the ass. Boy am iGlad iDidn't risk it. I'm not saying iDidn't feel anything, but  iWas holding back alotta emotions mostly. And that is probably the only reason iCan still look at him.

*Caramel Kisses*

Thoughts Of A Stoner

That feeling, intense, that blood rush.

That flow of Joy and Relief.

More so, that stream that flows down your torso.

Electrifying every nerve, thinking, "it's all I deserve".

Our hearts are lifted, our minds rejoice,

Ecstasy, as we listen to that sweet voice.

Love is finally here, we found it!

Blessing every moment that surrounds it.

We grin in silence, but inside we're restless.

Goodbye to the sad memories as we advance.

Bliss, a word not able to explain.

This feeling iTry to restrain.

Thoughts screaming, my eyes glare with tears,

The struggles we've faced, no onger to bear.

"It's all over", the words we ever long to hear...

..................

..................

..................

That feeling, intense, that blood rush.
That flow of pain and anguish.
Emptiness in a heart which once rejoiced.
Dismay in a mindset no longer whole.
These feelings we wished never to uphold.
Memories become scars and scars bring memories,
Of days we've felt happiness was but deluded.
Thoughts screaming, my eyes glare with tears.
The struggles we're facing, left alone to bear.
"It's all over", those haunting words we never longed to hear.

-HammarH

Feliz Año Nuevo

2012. New year. New resoluions.

It's funny, iDon't remember any of my resolutions from last year x_x.

It's a little past 1a.m and iAm out, strolling around my street with Tee. iCould use a fag right now. iThink iMight be addicted. Jade says it's not good for me. iGuess it's one of the things iAm gonna have to get rid of this year.

Sweet.

iHave noticed a few changes in me. Not good ones. iHave become speech impaired. iCan barely say a sentence wthout stammering. iShould probably work on that too.
What freaks me out the most is my creativity. It has stooped to a new low. iWent through my blog and noticed even my speech pattern has changed. iWish there was some self reset-button for this. iJust want my brain back.

Movng on.

Chrimbo hols was wild... More than usual. Sorry iHave no proof of my wildness. iMade a declaration during summer that iWasn't gonna blog about my escapades :).

My blogging situation has changed. iCannot be as straight forward as iUsed to be... Sorry. But due to my escapades, my *cough* is on overdrive. And it cannot be tamed.

iAdmit, iDid some silly shit last year. And somehow iAm not sorry about them.

iDont need to give reasons for the things iDo. iDo them cause iCan... And sometimes the thing that seems messed up to everyone else is what's right for me.

Speaking of messed up things, iCoulda sworn iSaw "him" at U3. No shit. iStalked the poor fellow for over an hour before iRealised it wasn't him... Tee even helped me out. And you know what? iWas kinda relieved. As much as iThink iWanna see him again... iReally just wanna get over him.

AnyHOO

To end this post, iLive you with a parting gift;

If you had to choose between the one you trusted with your heart but broke it, and the one that doesn't love you back but wouldn't dare hurt you... Who would you choose?

This is Kay saying, Buenas noches. And a Próspero Año Nuevo.

*Caramel Kisses*



Not So Happy 18th!!

What starts with 8 and rhymes with hating? Anyone?? *rme.

Fine, iWould just come out with it. Eighteen! Yep, iAm finally legal. Yay!!!

Okay in truth, iAm not that excited about it. In fact, iAm not even slightly psyched about it. Doesn’t necessarily make me abnormal. Right?

*Sigh*

Today is so gonna be horrid. iCan feel it deep in my very bones.

iKnow that sounds kinda crazy. There’s no reason for me to be this way and every reason for me to be happy, but… But alas, here iAm at 2:30 in the morning, awake and sad.

iHave got  a lot of mixed up emotions right now. iJust wanna cry and get it all out. But who cries on their birthday?
iLay in bed   thinking, and pretty soon iWould run out of things to think about. iCannot understand where all these has come from. Lets just say, iAm all kinds of fucked up at the moment.

It’s funny how iDon’t feel any different from how iWas yesterday. iMean, isn’t there supposed to be a magical whoosh to zap me into adulthood. Who made 18 so special anyways?!?!

So in my feeble attempt to break out… iHave decided to make this post.

Yay!

It’s a new age. iThink iMight have to change my ways. This means new thoughts, new ideas, new everything. Sadly iHavent got any ideas. Or do I ?

There’s a lot of stuff iWish iCould do. The things iDo normally just aren’t sufficient. iNeed more excitement in my life. iGet so pissed when iAm bored… It doesn’t make sense, so much good stuff happening in the world, why am iNot involved?!

Do you know what woulda made my “18th” [notice the quote] birthday special??

If iSpent it with my friends. Or maybe even someone from the testicle specie. Any dude would be great. Throw me a stud if you will. And yes, it is that deep.

Anyways…iAm not saying iDon’t have great friends here [don’t get me wrong]… but iWould rather spend it with people iHave known for years… Like people who know me inside out. You can’t possibly fathom how hard it is for me to tune down my awesomeness or sensor myself every time iOpen my mouth to speak. They’re cramping my style yo!

So in all fairness… iHave composed a list of things iCould be doing if iWere at home.

99 And 1 Things iCould Be Doing If iWere At Home.

*Staying up late talking to a bunch of people that Genuinely LOVEE me.

*Getting drunk in my underwear with a fag in my mouth [very high possibility]

*Refreshing my facebook wall every 5 mins to see how many birthday wishes iGet. Don’t be fooled; we are not friends.

*Chilling someplace with my friends, having fun and getting as inebriated as humanly possible.

*Prolly even setting p *giggle*

iCould do ith a P right now. Kay's lonely :(. iHaven't spoken to this fellow that iAm comepletely and totally infatuated with in over a month. And, of course, he doesn't give a damn.

But alas, iAm stuck in this hell-hole with these attention-seeking psychopaths.

Oh GOD. Oh GOOOOD. iCannot stand them. They try too Fxcking hard! iMean, it's just too much. iCan't with them. iJust. Cannot.

Sometimes iAM literally speechless at the idiocy of these people.

There’s nothing more pathetic than seeing a guy, who’s probably been complimented about his Good Looks just Once! Trying to play Chuck Bass on every living cunt in a skirt.

iHave got several of these in my school. They think they’re awesome mini-gods or something. iHave got a bit of advice for them. Get laid.

And then one of these stupid dickheads tried to get it with me ? Um. Fuck you.

There’s no cuss word that can rightly describe how much these fools disgust me.

Crap. What was iTalking about again? Oh yeah.

The only good part about this whole gut-wrenching-heart-shattering-mind-fucking-thing is the fact that iCan do stuff iUsed to do… Only legally now

Happy 18th birthday to me. So let it be knowst to all… I, Kay Tannah, being of sound body and mind, hereby promise to fake a smile all day and have as much fun as iCan. Wish me luck

P.s iAm in school

*Caramel Kisses*

Beautiful Lies

Readers of this blog.

iHave been… occupied. iAm sorry iHaven’t blogged. Y’all must’ve been frantic. *giggle* *curtsey*

So how have you been? Cause iHave been bloody horrible.

iSaid iWasn’t gonna rant about my emotional nonsense here again. But iWant to express myself. No. iNeed to express myself. You can’t imagine how gut-wrenching it is to keep deep emotions to myself.

But you love it when iSpill, don’t you? ;)

AnyHOO

iHave a question for you. When you meet someone and the person is so cool. Like frigid. And you guys talk 24/7 nonstop. Then one day, he says he likes you. And then, the most mind-numbling-fuckup-y of all; he’s in a relationship. You’re immediately on red alert right?

Let me get straight to the point.

This summer iFell in love again. Not willingly, but it happened… And as usual,  iGot my heart broken.

Thing is, he was already taken. Even though the relationship clearly sucked. iPlayed the good friend, and he ended up falling for my awesomeness. iKid, iKid.

iKnow iShouldn’t be doing these things but trust me, iFought hard against it. We all fuck up sometimes… The heart does what the heart wants.

The thing that annoyed me the most were the promises. What was the point of making all those promises? Knowing they were all meaningless fantasies. iWarned you but you wouldn’t listen. iWas just too gullible to believe it myself.

Distance is such a fucking bitch.

iKnew iHad lost you even before it happened. iJust didn’t think you’d go back to her. Anyone but her.

And now you have left me bloody and sore. Well, Fxck iLook like? iCan handle some pain but I’m not Superman.

The only thing that made it easier was your apology. No one’s ever apologized for breaking me. Then iHeard what you said and got mad again.

Now I’m lying down thinking of you with a few questions on my mind.

Was it easy leaving me? Like iWas nothing? Like we were nothing?

Are you happier with her?

Do you still think about me?

iKnow it shouldn't bother me, but it does. iShouldn't care, but iDo. iShould hate you, but iDon't.

iThought we had something real, iThought we had something. iDont know why iFooled myself.

Everything reminds me of you now. Oh my gosh. There’s this guy iKeep staring at cause he smiles just like you. And your scent... Lawd! iRemember it so well.

Well enough of this, iCannot allow myself think of you anymore. iAm gonna remember us like we were just casual. Nothing deep.

And  when people ask me what happened, I’m gonna lie until it becomes the truth. I’m gonna say we were just friends until iBelieve it myself.

iKnow this makes me a pussy. You’re probably thinking, “Man up Kay! Use your testicles!”… Or maybe you weren’t thinking that  x_x

But whatever. iCan’t be arsed *Kanye shrug*.

*Caramel Kisses*

The P-Madness

Dear Earthlings,


Its been much too long. And iSincerely apologize  for the length of my absense. Am afraid it has nothing to do with my busy state. iJust cannot blog anymore. It's safe to say iHave lost my blogging mojo.  If it makes you any feel better, my life has been uneventful thus far.


This shall be a short post. Nothing poetic. Like iSaid before, iCannot blog anymore. But due to demands by my little, yet noble followers, iShall post something.

Alrighty then *rubs palms*... Moving on to important topics.

The countdown has begun. Summer's almost here! Woohoo!! I'm tingling with excitement already. So what are your plans for this summer? Apparently everyone's extremely looking forward to this summer [emphasis on 'extremely']. People are even setting P's. To show how serious that is, there's even a blog taking a four week seminar on how to set your summer P... Its called SPS101 [Summer "P" Setting] lol. And yes, it is that deep.

In totality, everyone's expecting this summer to be epic. Oh what fun we shall have.

Strangely iHavn’t set mine yet… Maybe it’s cause I’m too busy trying to sort things out …Or cause I’m blindly waiting for a miracle to happen… #shrug.


Point is, thy legs and chests must be exposed! Sadly iHave nothing to show off :(  ...I am by no means perfect.
And iHave never claimed perfection. Life is not like the movies *sigh*But that would change one day, iAssure you.


The best part about this summer is... Drum roll please... PARTYING! Party Harday! iGet to party alot. without anyone getting on my case. And everyone's coming back home. Alotta hotties btw. Ohh iCould just imagine.

But for now, iHave got to concerntrate on my stupid exams *sigh*

On the bright side, iMade a new friend. No, not an imaginary one… A real one that has all the physical attributes. Do people still have imaginary friends?? iThought Facebook and Twitter had taken care of that. Oh! Ohh! Just remember a little girl I knew that… #Sigh Never mind.


*Btw, summer 'P' is just a slang for summer fling :)
Buenas noches people
*Caramel_kisses*

When Life Fucks You From Behind

Sometimes life gets pretty hard, we all complain;

But most of us don't know the true meaning of pain.

Some don't know what it feels to lose a friend;

A loved one is lost for everyone you gain.

We don’t know what hustle is till we’ve been there

Has life ever gotten so helpless it’s had to bear?

But you just hold on because you’re in fear.

Fear to lose what you love, what you have, what you suffer for;

Family, cause they were with you, even when you were poor.

Well here’s a story of true dedication:

Faith she’s called, Somalia was her nation

Three kids to feed, but no support.

Her husband did a good deed, and got caught

He was imprisoned for no legit reason.

He saved a young boy from a rebel attack

Pretty smooth yeah? But here comes the crack.

He was caught up with, in the heat of the sun

The rebels took no mercy, he watched the boy burn.

Then he was jailed with wounds on his body, deep in.

5 days he was pail, he died sleepless, thinking

Praying for his wife and children.

Almost ran crazy thinking rebels might have killed them.

No, they were safe, his prayers might have worked.

Or did they? The devil waited till the right time clocked.

Faith was taken to a refugee holding.

Life was better, food was scarce, but now they could sleep safe.

Until Faith got raped, what a cold thing.

To make matters worse, she got raped by her first son.

His baby brother made it his duty to take his bro to the grave.

Grieving and screaming, Faith needed help and she kept seeking.

It never came, her son bled to death with no aid from no one.

Now faith was left with 2 children, teenage years

She knew they were grown, she kept living in fear.

To her dismay her daughter slept with a general for their freedom.

They got it but karma struck.

He killed her knowing she’d leave him.

Faith was left with only 1 child, the brother killer

Déjà vu happened when he also tried to feel her

He stopped and looked at her and cried

He promised her a better life before she died

Faith was strong, she forgave her son.

After all she had been through; she didn’t want to lose another loved one.

He had his break, young gifted inventor

Billionaire bill gates had always been his mentor.

And as he promised, he gave his mother a better life,

Moved to the states and got a decent wife.

Faith was comfortable but still reminiscing;

All family members gone and friends still missing.

She kept strong saying she was gonna take life easy.

Too bad Faith, life isn’t always that breezy.

She had to learn in a bad manner.

Her sons’ plane crashed; there was no way to calm her.

Faith started taking drugs, she almost went mental.

But life is never free nor fair; our every breath is rental.

Faith couldn’t take it anymore, she was going crazy.

First her husband, her first son, her daughter and now her baby.

She thought for a while and made her decision.

Suicide became Faiths number one mission.

Thrust a blade through her heart, she bled to death.

She only uttered “why” with her final breath.

Sad story, Faith took her own life.

And there’s more to the story,

Her baby boy survived...

- HammarH